obsession.

All of us have obsessions. I used to worry about money, constantly. I would avoid plans with people so I didn't spend money that could be used more wise. Now, I have replaced my money obsession with calorie counting apps and nike+ workout logs. The blog I wrote just a few short months ago about positive body image seems like a distant dream and another person because the truth is you start to get fit, people compliment you, the distance on your runs goes up and the number on your scale goes down. For me, this seemed all well and good until I realized that almost every day something has come out of my mouth that is negative word vomit. The words ugly and fat have become an obsession. Almost daily I am concerned about where my worth lays. I am not even thin yet but there is something so hollow about my eyes and cheekbones that says my healthiness comes at the cost of exhaustion. Sleep comes hard but never long enough until I am jilted awake for a gym session or a run. Could I just sleep in if I wanted? Sure. Could I sleep in and then not sneak minutes on the elliptical (on top of my evening workout) while my kiddos watch their one morning show because I am so upset I missed my morning run? Most definitely not. 

Does everyone have these obsessions? Am I the only one who cannot spend a healthy amount of time and energy concentrating on something? I realized something needed to change after a recent conversation with my roommate in which he told me he couldn't handle anymore of me feeling like my day was ruined because I drank part of an iced Capp (really though, it was a whole run down the drain. I'm still upset at myself.) A similiar conversation occured when I was debating outloud whether I should have a string cheese or not. A 9-year-old told me to 'stop talking outloud. I don't care, it's your body do what you want.' 

I have never been good at striking a balance. I'm either all in or all out. Tunnel vision to a goal and a number and feeling like a complete failure if they weren't hit. It is debilitating. Yesterday on an 11-mile run I stopped upset that I wasn't holding under a 10-minute pace evenly but neglected to accept that even what I did do on that run would land me with a PR on race day that would be 36 minutes less than my best thus far. 

As always let me insert my moment of insane honesty--most mornings I LOATHE myself for not sweating enough, cutting enough calories, or drinking enough water. I guess I am just sending this into the void to say, I am healthy, I am energized, I am usually happy but mostly I am self-obsessed and can't seem to find a balance that feels like I am loving myself with my healthy lifestyle. What is your obsession? How do you force the balance?