be curious, not judgmental.

"Be curious, not judgmental." -Walt Whitman

I remember a conversation between my sister and several of my close friends. The conversation was over a round of G&T's at a bar that hasn't existed in several years. My friends were curious about Sex between Lesbians and exactly how it "worked". None of us had experienced an open dialogue on the topic in our small hometowns (and this was still years before Cosmo would do an awful job of explaining it). 

I turned away from this conversation quickly to find some of our guy friends at the pool table. It wasn't because I wasn't interested, or because one of my siblings was about to talk about their sex life (my family is more than open with our personal lives), but rather because I had chosen to judge the topic before it even began. 

You see, I was raised in a church where judgment came before love. A church where prayer chains were nothing more than gossip circles. A church where we were taught "hate the sin and not the sinner" but were not taught how such a concept could actually be walked out in real life. I spent years turning away from conversations because I knew the only additions I would have were eye rolls or sighs of disgust. Faith to me was a relationship. A relationship that had an awful lot of "do nots" but a God who was their to catch you when you accidentally committed one of these "do nots". 

There is a point, usually in our late teens are early twenties where we lose the faith of a child and start to search all over again. I didn't want my faith to just be something I had because I was taught to. Several years later, I had a renewed faith. It had the same basis as the one in the church where I was raised but with the simple realization that I believe in a God whose name is Love. This single realization opened my eyes to the fact that if I judge than I cannot love.  One of my favorite quotes is by Francis Chan. He says "do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people he made?" This had become the model of my relationship with Christ and with the world as His light. That does not mean that overnight my Conservative social views evaporated.

The night gay marriage was passed in New York State I was out with a group of my sister's friends while she was out of town. I'm not sure why I found myself out with this particular group. I can't say that I was close to any of them. There was an excited energy that flowed through the group and instantly a feeling of celebration and camaraderie in the whole building. Even in 2011, long after I had changed my views of God in my life, I still couldn't process gay marriage as a victory. I didn't understand how that could possibly contribute to restoring positive values in our country. What I did understand at that moment is the massive significance that it held for my sister and many of her LGBT friends. But what exactly was that significance? 

What a law leaves out is the emotion of a situation. What a law can't change is people's perspective. What a law can't wash out is a stigma. What a law can't take away is my mother's grimace when she sees my sister kiss a girl. What a law can't stop is hate preaching in churches. What a law can't do is make it any easier for a person to "come out" to their loved ones. What a law can't do is teach parents to not pass on prejudice to their children. It's a start. It's a vague shadow of equality. At the end of the day, this law means nothing, if people aren't willing to put aside their judgements in order to stand besides someone they love who decides they will marry their partner? Can you realize that it is possible to keep your morals, your faith, in tact while continuing to support someone in love? 

When we make judgments without making an attempt to understand the person on the other side of any discussion, we lose the ability to love. We lose the ability to have compassion. Without love and compassion, at least in my life, it is impossible to find true joy. Opinions, Ideas, Differences--they are what make the world so beautifully and wonderfully interesting. I will never take my eyes from the morals and beliefs that I have, and I wouldn't expect someone on the other side of a debate to magically change theirs, but maybe I can help them love a little more and judge a little less. 

In each of us there should be a blaze of love and curiosity. 

In each of us there should be a spark of understanding.

If not, I'm afraid we may just be burning in a fire of ignorance and intolerance.

baby update: 31 weeks.

Pre-Pregnancy 

   (Well, technically a few weeks post pregnant)

                                                            31 weeks

How far along: 31 weeks

How big is the baby: P is the size of a pineapple. We had 3D sonograms done 2 weeks ago and he was almost 3 pounds.

Total weight gain/loss: I am officially up 25 pounds. A friend told me that my weight is distributed amazingly…or as me and Jim say my thighs and butt are stealing some weight from my baby bump.

I have finally let go of really caring about this weight gain number because I've lost it all once, I can do it again. I've perfected what makes my body it's absolute best--will I love cutting out carbs again? No, but I know I can and that I loved it when I did it for almost a year prior.

Maternity clothes: I’m still avoiding this besides in pants and even then I have some pairs that aren't. I'll give in to the maternity clothes some day but right now just wearing a size up when I can (Lululemon and Pierce Apparel have been the most comfortable Godsend.)

Stretch marks: Nope! Thank God for slow and steady weight gain.

Sleep: I have had a few days this week where my sleep was try disrupted but I don't feel like I normal would when I can't sleep. Instead I am wide awake at 3 am reading and full of energy, then after about twenty minutes I drift back off. 

Exercise: Last week I couldn't get enough of the gym. This week it's been a little more difficult waking up early to get there before Jim leaves for work but I've done yoga or pilates every day. 

Best moment last week: Being done with work and taking it slow. I'm so thankful I had two weeks to pack up the house because rather than being overwhelmed I just did an hour or two a day.

Movement: P is facing towards my spine and breech at the moment so I feel lots of movement where his head and arms are but no kicks that I feel. Jim feels a lot of movement that feel like kicks in the early morning--I call it Daddy and P time because I'm still sleeping away.

Food cravings/aversions: I have no real cravings or aversions. I wanted gummy bears the other night…much less satisfying in my stomach than in my head.

Other symptoms: I think we've finally hit the emotional part. I'm not a very emotional person so the fact that I've cried this week is odd especially since it was over the fact that I couldn't find the perfect muslin swaddle. 

Gender: Boy

Labor signs:  None. It was a good time at the Doctors yesterday being quizzed on what to do encase they pop-up. Everyone can just pray with me that the next 12 days are uneventful baby days and beautiful adventure days.

Belly button: Still avoiding the outie. Thank. God.

Weddings rings: Now that it's not as hot and humid on they slide on just fine. I only wear one of my three rings when I workout because I'm scared they'll swell on.

What I miss: Brie, Cigars, RUNNING, and getting a massage where they can actually apply pressure to my lower back.

What I am looking forward to: I cannot wait to get to Spokane and set up the nursery. We have already found the furniture we like but are waiting to order it until we get there. I know in reality I have plenty of time but feel rushed.

Weekly Wisdom:  I think I've finally realized you really have to give your body what it wants. Some days I crave working out and then other days I feel like sleeping in until 9:30. I've been stubborn about slowing down but I think I've finally given in to the fact that some days I can bike 10 miles and other days the coffee shop is the furthest walk I'm taking.

how to change negative self-talk.

Our worst enemies don't talk about us the way we talk to ourselves. You know, that inner dialogue which constantly seems to be going on in our head. It feeds on putting us down and strengthening our insecurities and doubts. They say that when you're in a toxic relationship it is a helpful exercise to write down the mean things you say to each other. Until you really see it on paper you don't realize just how mean-spirited some of the things you say to one another are. But what about doing this for the things that we say to ourselves?

I think we would find that the thing we would never say to our best friend if she asked us how she looked in this dress, or if she asked about a situation at work, is exactly the thing that we are saying to ourselves. I had a friend recently who was seeing a boy for several months and when he decided to cut it off he said simply that the reason was because "he didn't like her". This sounded so awful to me. Where was the sugar-coating that we put on these types of emotional situations. Who was he to not even take her feelings and self-esteem into account? Yet, how many times have you found yourself in the midst of a crowd, looking and comparing yourself to someone else and said the exact same harsh thing about "not liking" something about yourself? If we realized the power that this little voice in our heads had over us, we would realize how important it is to stop negative self-talk. Our brains are wired to see and think about negatives before positives (come on, people, you've seen your Facebook feeds). Our job is to rewire our brain to talk to and think about ourselves in a more positive way.

What makes it even more difficult to leave these voices behind is the information that is directed at women these days seems determined to make us feel that our lives are somehow lacking. We are constantly made to feel that we should be prettier, thinner, sexier, more successful, make more money, be better moms, better wives, better lovers... Though often wrapped in a "You go, girl!" message, the subtext is clear: We should feel bad because we have fallen short in so many ways from some imagined ideal - we have tummies, not abs; we are not trying hard enough because we are not occupying a corner office. I read a stack of women's health magazines each month and what I've found is there is a fine line between stories having an inspiring tone and having a judgmental tone. Sometimes I walk away thinking that I learned some new tips and other times I feel like I'm a bad person if I don't follow those tips because they are so simple. The phrase that gets me in any article, usually about a celebrity, is "having it all". Are you lacking because you don't have the exact same 4-unit family, fanatical stability, rock hard abs, and Gucci-filled closet as the person next door? Have we not passed by the age of keeping up with the Joneses?

It took me twenty-five years to learn to redirect my negative self-talk. It was not a magical transformation and I am certainly nowhere near perfect with it. I don't think it had anything to do with maturity or reading posts like this that made me more aware of the issue at hand. It was a process of forgetting about people's expectations of what I should do and start doing things that I truly loved and boasted my self-confidence. I direct a lot of my positive self-talk from my head to social media and that isn't to boost my ego but because I truly am proud of myself and my accomplishments. I spew them out in hope that someone else will realize that they can feel confident if they are doing something they love, not just fitness wise, but in their careers, their spare time, and with their families. When you find a passion that day in and day out satisfies you, that is when the switch in your head will be flipped from the negative to positive.

The most important thing we can do is decide how we define success. It will be different for each of us, according to our own values and goals (and not those imposed upon us by society). My two "big" goals that I have before I turn 30 are to start a modest vegetable farm with a little roadside stand and to run my first ultramarathon. I'm sure to most people those are beautiful ambitions but will never get me wealth, fortunes or fame. I decided long ago that those three things don't interest me and neither does the fleeting idea of happiness, but rather, I'm looking for fulfillment so that I can be the best version of me and by extension be in a position to help others. When you can identify your main values and motives, you can start to teach your inner voice to talk positively about where you are on your own ladder of success.

So I suggest, you start today by sending yourself a positive inner massage, or mantra. It is the truest sentence you will tell yourself and one that you can tell yourself every day when a negative thought pops into your head. I have several but a big one has always been, "I don't want to live a life, I want to live an adventure." As I watch friends go to school to be doctors and lawyers or others excel in their positions at work, it's my reminder that I'm a nanny because I want to go home and not think about work or constantly be checking my phone for work e-mails. It's my reminder as friends invest in homes, that I am not in that boat because I don't want to be tied down to one place right now. So for whatever situation it is that you hear that little voice filling your head with negativity, find your own message to slowly change that voice. And whatever you do don't let your constant critic get in the way of pursuing your version of success.

a public love letter.

I've always believed that I was one of those people whose life was just harder than other people's. While I watched everyone else check things off their to-do lists of success I was struggling with what seemed like every detail of my fairly simple life. I always felt like there was no path of least resistance designed for me and it was really a matter of just getting through most days with any will to make forward motion. I think that in some ways it was true that I was making my life difficult until I found you.

It was hard for me not to be self-conscious until I found myself in a park with you, throwing water balloons around and smiling for what felt like the first time in ages. It was hard for me to give a description of who I was to someone new without feeling like I had something that I had to be ashamed of because of all I hadn't accomplished. But then you asked, I answered and I felt like my path had led me right where I was supposed to be.

It was hard for me to not dive in and get ahead of myself then you flew across the country and left me for months. It's hard for me to be patient but rather than feeling like you had left me, I patiently waited. I looked forward to pay phone calls where I understood every third word the way most people look forward to dates and first kisses. I think we had fit more into the three weeks before you left than any normal couple would fit into the two months that you were gone. It was hard to be away from you when I should have just been getting to know you--but I liked that the distance meant we had to get to know each other above all the glam and glitz of trying to impress each other with a shell of who we really were. We had to learn to communicate and talk about only those things which were substantial in the few words that we had over the phone or on a piece of paper.

It was hard for me to start anything and feel like it's actually on a clean slate. I held on to memories and hurts like as though they were the present moment. I felt like one of those cheap dollar store chalkboards that never actually erases completely. The ones that you always see the answer of the student who used it in the class before you. What you taught me is that it's okay to have all those marks but that we can make them a part of a bigger, beautiful picture. With you it was easy to see that they were just the faint outline of the life that I was meant to live.

It was hard for me to get attached to people. I thought that needing someone meant that every moment of every day your heart would beat only for them. And although there are moments that I could burst with happiness and love just from your smile across the room, I've learned needing someone meant so much more. It's having a rock. It's having someone who can joke away your crazy and offers a hand when they see you fall. It's being equals and starting where the other one ends. It means having someone who is home. Sure that means that sometimes life is the mundane that I've been running from but you, you've shown me the beauty in the most ordinary moments. You taught me that the most important part of needing someone is being needed in return.

It was hard for me to think that two people could be together without changing for each other. I was always scared of the change and not holding on to the parts of me that I loved. What I've realized is that people shouldn't change FOR each other or as I had come to believe that you both with change but in the same direction. What I learned with you is that each individual changes and when you love that person you support those changes. I don't always see my reflection in you but I see someone who understands and embraces who I was and even more so embraces who I want to be. By understanding each others goals, we've learned how easy it is to appreciate the changes each of us has made over the years and will continue to make.

It was hard for me to ever imagine that I would get married (again). With you the image of a house in the woods laying out on a blanket with a dog and some messy kids having a picnic looked right in my head. It was the picture of the calm in the midst of the storm that is life. I know that whether in person or through e-mail, phone call or text, you would always produce that calm in me. The calm that will get us through the ups and downs of a life that is lived fully.

Mostly, it has always been hard for me to deal with difficulties. I always believed that struggles were something to be kept to yourself with and dealt with in the quiet. Life has decided to hand us plenty of bumps in the road but I'm no longer scared how hard life is. I'm no longer scared of a goal being too big or a problem being too stressful because I know that I have someone next to me to share the burden. Together, we will always find a way to make things just a little bit easier.

week 24: pregnancy and body image.

I always feel bad talking about my pregnancy because I so easily wander to the negatives rather than the positives. So I will start out by saying I have thus far been blessed with the easiest pregnancy ever. I've never thrown up, I have huge stores of energy, I can still work out and I can stay out until at least 12:30 if I really mentally prepare for it. I have wanted to be pregnant more than most things in my life and I am so thankful and blessed to have such an easy go of it when we started trying. I thankfully have a partner who wants to be involved. He reads pregnancy books, gives me a massage every night, and kisses my belly every time he leaves a room we're in. So then what do I have to be negative about, right?  I know this is naive because clearly we have all seen pregnant women before but I did not expect to feel the way I do about my body. Jim often asks me "what did you think was going to happen?" He is right. But the changes happening to my body, and the body of all pregnant women, is a little more than not fitting into my skinny jeans.

As my body has slipped from a place that I am proud of to the place where I'm now back to buying size 12 jeans and XL shirts in order to stay out of maternity clothes, my mind can't exactly wrap itself around what is happening. I know it's more important to be healthy than it is to worry about the weight gain but let's be honest, fitness is a numbers game. Think about it--even when we're not talking about the number on the scale or a pair of pants we are tracking how fast our mile is or how many pounds our deadlift. I don't need numbers to show me my changing body but I haven't come to the place where I find these changes beautiful. I see them as completely utilitarian.

It's hard to explain to anyone, including mothers who love their pregnant body, why it's so bothersome to wake up in the morning and find a shirt that fit in the last wash cycle no longer does. People always talk about the glow and the great boobs.  My boobs have decided to stay the same while my ass seems to be receiving more of the curve than my stomach. The only glow I have is the one that last the four hours after a facial and don't even get me started on the craziness that is my curly hair. I have spent the last 18 months losing all my curve and now they are showing back up but now in unpredictable ways. When I'm eating unhealthy and not working out I know what to expect but letting go of control and surrendering to whatever unpredictable changes occur is one of the most difficult struggles I've ever gone through.

Maybe the problem is that over the last 18 months I have invested too much of my identity in fitness and nutrition. When my body tells me now that I have to spend the extra half an hour in bed rather than going for a morning jog, I find my heart breaking slightly. (On the opposite side, after not eating carbs for almost a year, when my body is begging for pasta, I probably give in a little too easily.) I will be running my first 5k with this little guy next month and I might find that key for me. To get back to some sense of normal physical activity beyond a few miles on the treadmill to give me a taste of the runners high I so love to hate. To train for a goal, no matter how short.

I have no answers on how to change my mental attitude. I can tell myself I am growing a human, that it's not about me, or to just to get over myself but I haven't been able to cross that mental plane yet. I'm not sure that I will get there during what is perhaps my one and only pregnancy but I'm okay with being  one of those woman who just didn't love my pregnant body. If I have one positive thing to say about my pregnant body, it will be the most amazing little guy that I will get at the end of it.

ginger snap: 18 weeks.

How far along:  18 weeks

How big is the baby: Snap is the size of a sweet potato (~5.6 oz)

Total weight gain/loss: Although it feels like a hundred, I'm up only two pounds. 

Maternity clothes: I haven't had to make the switch yet to maternity clothes. Thankfully I wear looser style shirts anyway so they fit the same. However, from my lack of ab work and bloating I'm on the edge of having to buy pants a size up or get my perfectly broken in J Crew jeans turned into maternity jeans at Tony Walker. 

Stretch marks: Not new ones ha. 

Sleep: I am sleeping better now than I did in my first trimester. Some days I wake up early but I just jump right into my day so at least it's productive lack of sleep!! 

Exercise:  I made it to the gym 6 days this week thanks to some awesome friends who went with me. Cycling two days in a row did not work for me--I am still sore. At this point I am doing more (light) weights than Cardio. I spend about a half hour doing cardio and have dropped my running to a mile here or there but I'm hoping once it finally warms up I can increase my mileage when running outside. 

Best moment last week: I felt the baby fluttering around for the first time. I have to say it is a strange but wonderful feeling. I have had so few issues with my pregnancy and don't have much of a bump so sometimes I feel like the little guys not really there. That God for Doppler and Sonograms. 

Movement: I know from when we had our 3D sonogram that this guy is a mover. Mostly he likes to kick and push into my bladder. 

Food cravings/aversions: Pancakes, fruit, string cheese and sweets. Basically, everything I loved before but an unparalleled need to have them immediately. 

The smell of cooked meat grosses me out. I swear I'd go vegetarian right now just to avoid that smell. I try to eat as much meat as I can but honestly I rather just have veggies, quinoa pasta and white beans. 

Other symptoms: My round ligament pain just arrived yesterday. It's not the most cozy feeling. Also, my tailbone is in a position right now that makes it very difficult to stand up without extreme pain. (Hence, Jim having to always help me stand up.) 

Gender: Baby boy (He's a UCONN fan. Go Huskies!)

Belly button: Innie (can't it just stay that way?)

Weddings rings: On! I have not swollen at all yet--I'm very big on hydration. 

What I miss: With this week being a little warmer, it makes me sad that I'm not out hiking. I would've started a few weeks ago but a few friends were up at Hunters Creek, my normal hiking spot, and said it's slick and they had trouble. I can't risk falling wrong on snap so it looks like I'm cooped up for a few more weeks. 

What I am looking forward to: I can't wait for snap to kick so that Jim can feel him, too. I feel like he is my little pal right now and even though Jim reads to him every night, I can't wait for him to be able to feel him!

Weekly Wisdom: Pregnancy is no excuse not to go workout. Sure I don't leave the gym sweating buckets every time but even just getting in 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill makes me feel so much more peppy and lively. 

a week of change.

I have thought about writing this blog for days but like most difficult things, I put it off. I wasn't sure what the definite beginning, middle or end would be but like most of my blogs I simply let the thoughts spill out and leave it just how my stream of conciousness comes.

There are moments in your life that forever change it and that you will never forget. I was in the front row of Mr. Schultz's Freshman English class when the planes hit the Twin Towers. I was sitting on a curb at a gas station when I knew my marriage was over. And I was laying in bed in a bathroom watching Melissa and Joey when I recieved the two consecutive phone calls of siblings announcing to me the passing of my Grammy. I'm not sure what created worse pain in that moment, hearing the words from my sister-in-law or knowing that I had to call my sister and break the news to her I knew she would never be prepared to hear. In reality, none of us were prepared to hear that news.

Grandma was 95 and all of us had been bracing especially for the last few months that this day was drawing nearer. As much as you prepare yourself and tell yourself every cliche in the book, you're never ready for that final phone call. For some of us we think about the last visit, how it was just days ago or how it was much too long ago, while others of us truly believe that she is in a better place. I want to have the strength to say the unselfish things and say, she's out of pain now and it's for the best, but that's not how I feel at all. For some reason, it hits me especially when I'm driving in the car that she's no longer here. My words have failed me thus far in any compacity to say what I think or how I feel. I have resorted mostly to a silence that has been tearing me apart inside. So here I am going to try to sum up the Grandma that I knew until the end.

I think that my brother said it best during his eulogy that it was hard to point out one story about my Grandma because every time you saw her or talk to her was the same. It was special but ordinary in every way. With her, your time together never had to be about some big event but it was about the love in the room. From the moment you walked in there was a glow on her face and although you'd ask her house she was, she always  made it about you or the next big thing that was going on in the family. There was something magical about the way even in a hospital bed how she could make it seem like she was always doing well and that what you were doing was more important, even if it was just working. I remember the day that she finally said to me "I'm not okay and I'm sorry that you have to see me like this and go through it." It was the most I had ever heard from my Grandma in the way of negativity or bringing a conversation back to herself. It was the only thing I ever heard her say like that and just moments later she was already on to how my marathon training was going.

It was hard when Grandma moved out of her home, where I had half grown up, and into an assisted living facility. In hindsight, I think that it gave me the extra blessing that the end was near. It made me ask her about events in her young life that otherwise I might not have thought to ask. I learned more about my Grandparents in the time she spent there than I did when I spent time with her at her house. Growing up my grandparents had always had gardens and hunted. It's where I got my love of nature and gardening. One of my grandma's favorite stories to tell about me was that when I was a young girl, my Grandpa and I would pick vegetables from the garden and I would run each and every one in seperately for my Grandma to wash. I told my sister the other day that it was so clear that even when she mentally didn't seem like she was with us, she really was. When my sister visited she was always sure to explain to her how to be a strong, fair leader and in between bouts of sleep she would give me her chicken soup recipe or try to explain why my vegetables didn't grow right last year. I'm glad that I spent the last year gleaning and writing down her advice on cooking and gardening. In a way, I'll know I can always find her when my hands are dirty and I'm sweating in the hot summer sun.

I know we all have different opinions about religion and Christians even differ so much within their beliefs of what a Christ follower looks like. To me, my Grandma will always be my perfect image of a Christian. It wasn't that she always had the Bible within a few inches of her to read (at the end with a magnifying glass) or that she was quick to offer a prayer for even the most minor of problems (usually without even mentioning she was about to pray). It was in the way that she loved. She was empethetic and non-judgemental. Trust me when I say there were times my siblings and I have had to lay some things on her that you wouldn't think a 90-year-old Christian woman would take well but she never questioned or made you feel bad for a slip up. She never forced you to talk about a topic that she saw as difficult but would gentle offer advice. There was something so genuine about her joy and love. In all my time of thinking what the source of that kind of love comes from the only solution I can come up with is a love and relationship with who she believed so strongly in.

This week as I said goodbye to one heartbeat, I heard a new one for the first time. Although there is nothing like hearing your son's heartbeat for the first time, it was a bittersweet experience for me. I know you can't have regrets when it comes to the things you do or don't do but I wish that I had told my Grandma that I was expecting. Even though this was a planned event according to when me and Jim wanted to start our family, there is a part of my family who makes it seem like I'm a 16-year-old who never learned how to use contraception or those who gossip and say that we were lying about trying in the first place. I made the unfortunate mistake of taking those people's burdens on as my own and even as others encouraged me to tell her I refused to. It was in this lapse of judgement that I forgot exactly who my Grandma was and that she would have nothing but pure joy.

My mom always says that you celebrate the good as it comes or it makes the bad unbearable. I just haven't felt like I've had to will to overcome my mourning and start to celebrate my little bundle. There are nights I feel so far removed from my current circumstances and caught in a cloud of confusion. As my sister told me today, you don't get over the ending of a lifetime of love in a week. It's not a matter of if I will heal, it is simple a question of when. Today I'll just try to concentrate on the good I've been given.