marathon: a dream put on hold.

As most of you know, for the last six months I have been training for my first marathon. I started by running a half in October and decided that I would just follow right through to the Myrtle Beach Marathon coming up in February. I think when people hear that you are training for a marathon they think that you're crazy for wanting to run 26 miles or have respect for you being able to run that far. The thing that has been most difficult for me has not been running that far or long but the time commitment. Already working a hectic job that can keep me anywhere from 40-60 hours a week, with sometimes 13 hours of my day (minus travel) taken by work. To know that on a Sunday, my one day to relax, I would then have to run for 3 hours after church is at times overwhelming. I had made a goal though and I wasn't going to let myself down. I have cried through runs, I have swore through runs and I have gotten lost in the beauty of observing things around me on runs. My sole dream for now has been to run an ultramarathon.

A few weeks ago, I was in the shampoo isle of Wegmans with Siena when I got a phone call from my doctor. At the end of a length explination the blow came that I can no longer run my marathon or for that matter any other type of "competetive race" as she calls it. For the few minutes that the phone call lasted, I felt like it was all okay. But somewhere during my search for Aussie shampoo, it took everything I had to hold my composure in front of a 3-year-old. I am not the type of person who usually gets my hopes up about many things in life. My goals are simple. This marathon is one of the few that I am working on now.  I had come to look at running as a sort of job, or so I thought. My reaction quickly told me that running was more than a job or a hobby. It was something that had been engrained on my heart and turned into a passion. As my mine flashed over the past few months of work, I felt like a part of me had died. It wasn't that I needed to get some medal at the end of a race but I did need the fulfillment of keeping my word to myself.

I don't know if you've ever spent months and months working towards a goal just to be turned away. It made me feel like I had wasted so much time and effort. I could've been spending time with friends or with Jim but instead I was at the gym hitting the treadmill. I believe heavily in faith and I really believe that the goals you have are formed because they are part of your destiny. Was I wrong in thinking running was something made for me? Did I form a goal and spend my time selfishly? Or was this just a case of bad timing and overworking? 

I know that I can always run another marathon... I know that I can find new goals that are more at a level that my body can handle... I know that as much as running has become my passion, it's not my only identity... Most days I wonder if my doctor even knows what she is talking about. I can't seem to let go and admit to myself that I'm not running the race. We are still planning on going down for vacation and I keep telling myself what the doctor doesn't know doesn't count.  I have broken up with boys, I have lost friends, I have been told off on more than one occasion but I will say, this is the biggest heartbreak I have ever suffered. The only way through this is being realistic and just figuring out how to handle a dream that has been put on hold.