mommy guilt.

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

It slipped out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying. What I should have said is, "Hi. My name is Beth and because I am a woman, I will always apologize for silly things, including the piece of paper I dropped by your foot. I will always apologize because I think I am too little or too much, too clumsy or too silly, too loud or too unfeminine."

I don't believe that I am alone in feeling like I need to apologize for things; that I need to feel an instant pang of guilt about many decisions, big or small, in life. There are so many things that people worry about and have guilt or anxiety about. I can't judge what impacts other people, after all I am the one who had a full panic attack complete with crying and screaming on an airplane this week, but the infamous "mommy guilt" is nothing that has ever crossed my mind. Do I sometimes worry whether my son is hitting his developmental milestones? Of course, because he never is, but never do I sit up at night questioning something that I did because the truth is, Snappy Impatient Mom comes out. Snappy Impatient Mom is probably the most real side of this mom. I won’t apologize for being real with my child.

The first time I heard the grumblings of mommy guilt was from Mother's with older children who would say "I don't know where I went wrong." At the time I couldn't directly apply the concept to guilt, I would have said heartbreak and disappointment, but that is what was masked under the statement.  Mother's feel like it’s a part of the universal experience of motherhood to question the things we do for or with our children. Working mother's worry about our children spending so much time at daycare while us stay at home Mom's wonder about the identity and careers that we are giving up in order to take on this new title of Mom. With the never ending new surge of "methods" to raise and educate our kids there are even more ways for us to doubt that we are doing what's best for our little ones. Let’s not even get started on those stupid Huffington Post articles that seem to just be written to piss each of us off, the breastfeeding wars, or birthing practices.

Do you want to know the moment that I know I am parenting correctly? It is the moment that people role their eyes at me or tell me they don't understand. The best thing I can do for my child is forget about the articles, the books, the advice of others and be the confident Mother who knows what is important within my individual family (and two dad families, you are caregivers too, and may have these same doubts and guilt). There is nothing inherently wrong with having a good Momma circle to guide you, trust me, I would be nowhere without mine. Or, reading a parenting book—I read about one a week—but it is when we start questioning out intentions towards our child that they will begin to suffer, because that is when Mother's begin to suffer. It's when a Mom will start to feel like she is doing something wrong, when she feels like she's alone, when she feels like her world is falling down around her that she is unable to freely be the best Mother she can be. At the core of every Mom’s heart is to love their child and be loved and appreciated in return.

Let me tell you some things about myself as a mother:

-I encapsulated my placenta and downed 6 of those pills a day.

-I birthed naturally at a Birthing Center with no doctors or interventions present.

-I think that breastfeeding is the worst thing that I've ever done to myself.

-My son had extreme colic. I'm still a little bit convinced it may have been his fault all along.

-I send my one-year-old to school one day a week so that I can do an hour of errands and 7 hours of whatever the heck I want.

-I think the most important thing I can do for my son is give him tons of experience in nature so that he can learn through open-ended playing rather than with toys that have a right and wrong solution.

-I think the worst thing I can do for my child is let him interact with iPhones, iPads, and computers.

-I let my son watch one show a day (see above).

-I think the modern school system is broken and there is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I will ever let him step foot in a public school.

-I have a goal to give my child no processed sugar or flour

-We go out for pastries (at least) once a week.

-My son currently takes swim lessons and soccer lessons (he used to also take a music class). I loathe how overbooked our schedule is and I can’t wait to be done and not take any classes for a long time.

Do you see the common theme there? "I". What I, personally, feel is best for MY child. I think if we all turned the lens onto ourselves and what we personally believe to be true for our families, we would all less guilty and more joyful. We are all as unique as our experiences. Our children are all going to be as unique as their experience and upbringing as well. It is what makes our world thrive. What we owe each other is a whole lot of kindness and gentleness. I love what the Pastor at my old church said about gentleness. He said that Gentleness is a decision to respond to a person in light of their strength or weakness, instead of responding out of our strength. We have nothing to gain out of expressing how wonderful our child is or what a strong parent we are, we must meet others where they are at and let them know that they are not alone in this.

I am by no means perfect. The good news is I don’t have to be. I live in a bigger story of Grace. By pretending that I am perfect, whether it’s to my husband, or friends, or even my child, I miss the opportunity to teach them about my huge reliance on Jesus. When I truly believe that my identity is found in Christ, I am able to let go of the title of “Mom”, and know that is just one more way that God has chosen to use me in his story. He has enabled me to love and be responsible for a little guy who I can so quickly resent when I forget that this is where I am called in the here and now.

I recently came upon this quote: “Treat your child like a seed that came in a package without a label. You can’t tell what kind of flower you’re going to get or in what season it will bloom. Your job is to pull the biggest weeds, provide sufficient food and water, and stand back and wait.” It may just be my new favorite mantra. I completely believe it for Porter, but I believe it for myself. I may be in my late-20’s but I am still someone’s daughter. I joke with my Mom that I would be an adult at 30. The truth is I don’t have to make those plans, and my Mom doesn’t have to make them for me. My heavenly father will guide my steps out of my faithfulness as a Mother, a Wife, and part of a community.

Moms: You don’t have to be perfect. It’s not on you to know the right thing all the time. It is on you to pray, to gain wisdom from a small counsel of trusted friends and family who know your story and heart, to guide your children through their trials, to admit to them your weaknesses as they bleed out into your lives, as they tend to do, and to apologize when you wrong your child, just like you would with an adult. It is not on your shoulders. I hope this Mother’s Day you find rest in the fact that you are doing the best for the sweet child entrusted to you.