baby update: 36 weeks.

How far along: 36 weeks

How big is the baby: P is the size of a large Cantaloupe, or around 6 pounds. 

Total weight gain/loss: I am officially up 28 pounds. I can still see my toes and miraculous can still shave my legs and paint my toe nails. Both exciting feats when I look down at the big bump that stands between me and my toes. 

Maternity clothes: Even some of my maternity clothes are having trouble covering the bump at this point. I have to say the most frustrating thing about my pregnancy is getting dressed. I don't have a lot to choose from and I definitely don't have anything that makes me feel "beautiful", mostly just like a whale. I have shed many tears over this. 

Stretch marks: Nope! And I still have an innie belly button--I was very freaked out about getting an outie from the beginning. 

Sleep: I had been sleeping 9 hours a night without interruption but the last few days I've only slept about 6. So although I don't have insomnia, I feel like I am not sleeping in as long of stretches. 

Excercise: Well...this one time last week I got off the couch. That's honestly what it feels like but I can barely make it from the bed to the bathroom my muscles are in so much pain so no, nothing more than maybe walking around the neighborhood at night. I know I'm going to be thankful for this Relaxin at some point but it's not right now. 

Best moment last week: I have an amazing support system of girlfriends who are were there to answer all my questions as the last week was a semi-tough one. Tomorrow starts a new week and so I'm going to hit the reset and just do as much as I can when I feel like I can. I go to the midwife on Tuesday and can't wait to hear the little ones heart beat, hopefully for one of the last times while he is still baking. 

Movement: We had good news at our last midwife appointment that baby P has moved into the position that he needs to be. Mostly I'm still feeling his movements through his hips that are going into my ribs, a few kicks on the opposite side and when his arms or head move at all, it feels like he is poking my bladder with his elbow. The sharp pains to the bladder are not my favorite but good to know he's there. 

Food cravings/aversions: m&ms--we keep a bag in the fridge now. also, cannellini beans and Campbell's tomato soup. 

Other symptoms: My whole lower body from my belly button to mid-thigh is in pain pretty much always. It's worst when I've been sitting or sleeping. It's very difficult to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. The occasional heartburn, headache and nausea. Yay. 

Gender: Boy

Labor signs:  My body is definitely in beast mode preparing. I have left out lots of unlady-like details for your reading pleasure. I find even with Jim I am very vague about what "sick" and "pain" entails. I am very 1950s when it comes to sharing anything physical or medical, I have to keep a little mystery, right? 

Belly button: Innie! 

Weddings rings: Still fitting besides on days when it's 100+. 

What I miss: Laying on my stomach to read. Running. Champagne. Cigars (it is sweet that Jim "sneaks" his cigars while he does yard work so I don't have to feel like I'm missing out). 

What I am looking forward to: hearing his little heartbeat this week and him arriving soon. P arriving means my family will soon arrive as well!

Weekly Wisdom:  Mila Kunis did a skit a while back on the Jimmy Kimmel show where she went off on the phrase "we are pregnant" and how the guy is most definitely pregnant. I say this all the time to Jim. The truth is, I had 34 weeks of the most wonderful, easy, carefree pregnancy all for it to come to a screeching halt this week. It has been a difficult week where anything that can make me uncomfortable medically has happened. On top of it, I am just an emotional wreck every time I have to look in the mirror and get dressed knowing that I look blah and that I'm almost back up to my pre-workout weight. 

My point being, yes, Jim is not going through all these physical and mental changes but he is the one who makes dinner and does the dishes when I can imagine making it through the day, he picks up my mid-day phone calls and talks me down when I'm crying on the couch over basically nothing, he's the one who tucks me into bed for a nap or encourages me to just stop what I'm doing and take a bubble bath, he's the one who has to feel helpless when I can't seem to find any relief from pain. 

Sure, "we" aren't technically pregnant, but we're absolutely in this together. I think sometimes I forget to say that outloud and to thank him and I think all baby's fathers deserve at least that much, because I assume it can't be easy. So thank you, Simon. 

be curious, not judgmental.

"Be curious, not judgmental." -Walt Whitman

I remember a conversation between my sister and several of my close friends. The conversation was over a round of G&T's at a bar that hasn't existed in several years. My friends were curious about Sex between Lesbians and exactly how it "worked". None of us had experienced an open dialogue on the topic in our small hometowns (and this was still years before Cosmo would do an awful job of explaining it). 

I turned away from this conversation quickly to find some of our guy friends at the pool table. It wasn't because I wasn't interested, or because one of my siblings was about to talk about their sex life (my family is more than open with our personal lives), but rather because I had chosen to judge the topic before it even began. 

You see, I was raised in a church where judgment came before love. A church where prayer chains were nothing more than gossip circles. A church where we were taught "hate the sin and not the sinner" but were not taught how such a concept could actually be walked out in real life. I spent years turning away from conversations because I knew the only additions I would have were eye rolls or sighs of disgust. Faith to me was a relationship. A relationship that had an awful lot of "do nots" but a God who was their to catch you when you accidentally committed one of these "do nots". 

There is a point, usually in our late teens are early twenties where we lose the faith of a child and start to search all over again. I didn't want my faith to just be something I had because I was taught to. Several years later, I had a renewed faith. It had the same basis as the one in the church where I was raised but with the simple realization that I believe in a God whose name is Love. This single realization opened my eyes to the fact that if I judge than I cannot love.  One of my favorite quotes is by Francis Chan. He says "do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people he made?" This had become the model of my relationship with Christ and with the world as His light. That does not mean that overnight my Conservative social views evaporated.

The night gay marriage was passed in New York State I was out with a group of my sister's friends while she was out of town. I'm not sure why I found myself out with this particular group. I can't say that I was close to any of them. There was an excited energy that flowed through the group and instantly a feeling of celebration and camaraderie in the whole building. Even in 2011, long after I had changed my views of God in my life, I still couldn't process gay marriage as a victory. I didn't understand how that could possibly contribute to restoring positive values in our country. What I did understand at that moment is the massive significance that it held for my sister and many of her LGBT friends. But what exactly was that significance? 

What a law leaves out is the emotion of a situation. What a law can't change is people's perspective. What a law can't wash out is a stigma. What a law can't take away is my mother's grimace when she sees my sister kiss a girl. What a law can't stop is hate preaching in churches. What a law can't do is make it any easier for a person to "come out" to their loved ones. What a law can't do is teach parents to not pass on prejudice to their children. It's a start. It's a vague shadow of equality. At the end of the day, this law means nothing, if people aren't willing to put aside their judgements in order to stand besides someone they love who decides they will marry their partner? Can you realize that it is possible to keep your morals, your faith, in tact while continuing to support someone in love? 

When we make judgments without making an attempt to understand the person on the other side of any discussion, we lose the ability to love. We lose the ability to have compassion. Without love and compassion, at least in my life, it is impossible to find true joy. Opinions, Ideas, Differences--they are what make the world so beautifully and wonderfully interesting. I will never take my eyes from the morals and beliefs that I have, and I wouldn't expect someone on the other side of a debate to magically change theirs, but maybe I can help them love a little more and judge a little less. 

In each of us there should be a blaze of love and curiosity. 

In each of us there should be a spark of understanding.

If not, I'm afraid we may just be burning in a fire of ignorance and intolerance.