Again for the last time.

After 18 months of fighting so hard for the opportunity to fix my marriage, I found myself standing before a judge, tears streaming down my face, holding Porter's blankie in my hands, asking for a final trial date. Eight hours earlier I had been dating my estranged spouse. The last string of any trust I had for him had just been cut in one final betrayal. The refrain in my head was what an idiot I had been. Time and time again over the last two years I had been hurt, given grace, forgiven, loved and started all over again. 

"I don't even know what God might be doing at the story at this point. You have a better vision of the whole story. Do you know?"

A sweet friend met me quickly for coffee after court. My only answer was "I honestly don't care where God is. I am so very angry at Him."

In the weeks since, that question has been rolling around in the recesses of my mind. The answer has not come clearly and it hasn't come strong. Instead this is the moment in time when I am learning what faith is. I know that I must look at what God has done for me over and over again throughout the recent years of my life. That means believing that the healing and faithfulness that have come before will come again. It means believing that He is truly greater than I. It means believing that the story of redemption that I truly believed God had called me into was not the one that was meant to be. It means believing that God does have my story in His hands but that my story no longer contains an us. 

Over a year ago I felt called into a period of waiting but that call has changed to a period of motion and movement. Here's what I know about motion. Motion can overwhelm us and take us to places that we never expected to find ourselves. Motion can wear us out and make us busy. Or motion can be life giving and elevate our lives. I don't want to find myself motionless or going through the motions just to get by. If I am going to continue to grow my life out of this space, than I am going to build something beautifully intentional. 

I don't know what that looks like but I know there are stirrings of something meaningful here. I have hesitatingly whispered the plans and passions I have to strangers on hiking trails and to friends at work. I have started business plans and started to dream what it could look like to respond to the pull on my heart. I have been fighting for one dream for so long now the prospect of giving it up fully and moving on to fight for something else is daunting, and honestly uncomfortable and scary. But I will step into the motions of this new life, knowing that something beautiful will be built here.