I remember several months back reading about a Dutch student who told her family she was going on vacation, hid out for five-weeks and sent them photoshopped photos of her "in Asia". She even went so far as to Skype with them with a fake scene set up behind her. (Here is an article about her if you are interested: http://www.refinery29.com/2014/09/74354/girl-photoshops-fake-vacation-facebook-pictures#slide) This seems extreme but on some scale, this is what we all do on social media. We edit our lives to the picture perfect; to the commentary that makes us look witty or worldly or funny. And although, we all know that it is what WE are doing, we never consider that's what others are doing.
When I started thinking about this all, it reminded me of going to Christian Camp and during a scavenger hunt we would get points for knowing the scripture verse John 3:15 (or maybe it was John 3:17). Does anyone truly know that verse? Even after attending that camp for 7 years, and having that question almost every year, I do not know it. There are few people that wouldn't know John 3:16. It's easy to see the thing that is constantly in front of us but not much of the context surrounding it. So tonight you will see tons of people dressed up and out at various events. There will be the selfies, photos of meals, glasses of champagne and kisses at midnight. In my experience, the people who post the most photos during their night are the people who are having the least fun because their phone is in their hand for 2.5 of the 3 hours they are out. Don't get me wrong, some people will be out having a genuinely good time. Others will be having drunken fights with their significant other that they just took a photo with or wishing they were somewhere else instead of in a loud, crowded restaurant.
I feel as though I have propagated a lie about my life across social media. I will not argue that I have found the "perfect husband for me". He is not a perfect husband, I am not a perfect wife, but we are the right pair for each other. But the fact that my friend thinks that things "come naturally" to me is laughable, especially as of late. I want to fill in the context around the pictures and statuses that so many of you see on social media. I want people to look at the good moments in my life and know that attached to those are some not so great moments. I don't say the things I am about to say for some type of sympathy, it is just one more battle for me to face, but knowing that maybe someone is out there feeling similar about their life and it would be beneficial to know that you're not the only one painting a mirage on social media.
The truth is that for most of the last three months I have been struggling with Postpartum Depression. The truth is that most days I don't shower, or get out of my pajamas, or leave the house. The truth is that every day, at least once, before ten am I say how much I hate being a parent. The truth is most days Jim takes over for a while when he gets home from work so I can just lay in bed and stare at the wall. The truth is that most days I really don't think I will survive to the next. The truth is that I find myself crying for no reason at all. The truth is I go to bed at 7:30 when Porter does. The truth is I was dealt a difficult child who cries close to 5 hours a day and I'm not sure why God thought I was strong enough for that. Most days I don't feel like myself. Most days I am selfishly mad that I don't get to do more for myself.
None of this is to say that I don't love my child and live every moment that I'm with him doing what is best for him. It doesn't mean that every moment is filled with grief, but a lot of them are. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't do it all over again if I had the chance. None of the moments I write about or post about are lies. They are just the best of the best. They are the moments that I have to cling to if I am going to make it through my day. I struggle often seeing what other people have going on in their lives. I am slowly learning that I have to assume that what other people post are also the highlights of their life. I have to believe that other people have days where everything goes wrong and have cranky babies on occasion.
I recently admitted all these sentiments to my best friend. Living so far away even she was only seeing the glimpses of my life that I wanted her to. I'm an expert at redirecting conversation or half answers. It's tough to admit sadness and defeat to someone else. With Jim I don't have to say it because he lives it with me. The day after I spoke to her I called a PPD counselor. I know I can't continue like this. I never want this to be the version of me that my son knows. Saying how I felt to someone else made it so real to me and saying it now makes it even more of a reality to me.
If anyone of my lady friends is dealing with a mental health issue, this is a great resource to get started with: http://womensmentalhealth.org
