Dearest Porter-
I am in a constant state of preparing it seems. This week alone I am preparing for your birthday and your Spokane birthday party. I am preparing for you to move to a big kid bed and to roll up the rugs and cancel all plans to potty train you. I am preparing to turn your car seat front facing and I am preparing for you to go to daycare twice as much so that I can find more of myself than "Mom". I'm constantly preparing for the next meltdown, the next moment of discipline, the next creator of stress. There's nothing wrong with all this planning but it has left me looking ahead rather than just resting in the beauty of each moment with you. I apologize to you for that.
I am so thankful for the moments that I did slow down to just enjoy the world with you. The time that we spent getting to know each other. I remember when you were born and the world was just so hurtful to you, every day seeming to hold a new offense for you to scream at. I didn't think we'd ever love each other. I am so glad it wasn't true. I think you needed to meet the ocean. You needed to let the sand run through your hands and the water to splash against your legs. You needed to know that there was something so much bigger than you and I out there making sure that the world was not that scary a place. You always return to the water. You always long to float and splash in it; to just be, you and nature. I know in my heart that some day you'll know who the Creator is and that he created that special comfort just for you.
You provide me that very same comfort. As we flew around the country this year, your little body always leaned against mine just as we took off, slowing my heart and reminding me that everything I loved was right there with me. In your two years, you've already proven to be much more of an adventurer than me. Always looking for a new way to challenge yourself and a new game to play. Recently your pediatrician told me that you are more comfortable with strangers and new situations than most children your age. He told me "you must be doing a great job with him because he knows that you're always here for him and you always be there when he gets into trouble." I like to think that Dr. Olsen was right. Not just now, but for always. We will be here when you get into troubles because you need the same grace that we so desperately need. A grace without judgment or anger but with love and understanding. I feel like I tell you this truth almost every day but I will repeat it again, although I correct you, although you are sometimes indeed "in trouble", although you don't always act the way I wish, my love for you will never change. It is steadfast, unchanging and true.
I have not always perfectly shown that. I have at times been frustrated, yelled, and made you cry with the very tone of my voice. I have handed you off to your Dad and left the house for a walk. I have learned not to expect perfection from myself, just as I don't expect it from you. I am a fallen human and sometimes my emotions are bigger than the me that I want to be for you. Thank you for meeting me after those moments with a giggle and a tight squeeze around the neck. I am glad that I can show you what real life looks like with it's whole range of emotions knowing that you are always there waiting for my apologize with a smile. Some day I am sure it will be met with a slam of the door and "I hate you" so I will cherish this phase while I can.
You are a two-year-old whose dreams are made of cars, Curious George, and forts. It is my job to show you the world so you can learn to love the world; not just those people who are like us but those who we don't understand, those that are less fortunate, and even those we feel like we have ever reason to hate. I will do my best to take this time of innocence and sweetness and stretch it as long as I can. I will continue to ignore the cleaning and get on the floor. I will get messy crawl in the yard with you. I will let us have flour fights. I will let you paint your face, and mine, if you wish. I will let you run across the neighbors yard knowing that they'll find the same light in your smile that I do. We have so much more to learn, to explore, to pray about, to understand, to forgive, and to fight about and for, but for today, I will meet you right where you, my dearest little one. Show me what your little eyes see and what your little mind thinks.
Happy Birthday, my sweet, gentle, Porter Pie.
Momma
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