Every year when I sit down and write your birthday letter, I think through all the things we’ve lived the year before. My biggest prayer for our lives is that no moment would be without purpose; that no moment would be without laughter or growth or meaning. There are so many moments this year that feel like they are without but, Porter James, the plan is never ours to know. Slowly things fall into place and the beauty of the story that is being written is revealed. This year has felt like the constant restarting of chapters ruthlessly re-edited into something that makes your little heart sing.
This year my heart ached for you in so many ways. Looking through the window between my classroom and yours and knowing so much of your acting out was because you could not process your world. You almost lost me at the beginning of this year and as my heart and mind fell further into an abyss of depression, your actions came to a point you were dismissed from school. I tried to protect you as much as I could, to keep your world untouched by the thing that I couldn’t control in my own but you, my sweet boy, are the most empathetic and emotionally intelligent child I have ever met. It was felt in the way you always cozied up to me when my heart hurt. In the way you rubbed my back at night, like you were so used to me doing to you when you couldn’t sleep. It was felt in the way you would ask for stories about when you were a baby.
On the days you were with Dad, my heart felt like it was being shredded into a million pieces. My purpose, the reason for my moments, has always been you. Without you anchoring me, laughing with me, adventuring with me, living with me, I wasn’t sure what life looked like. The more I struggled to find my footing, the more it was clear that you could not find yours. Your dad and I fail in a million different ways as ex-spouses but in a million different ways we navigate co-parenting better than a lot. When my heart has missed you, I have been able to see you.
The summer served as a reset for us. Your grandma came. Miss Julian stepped in. Your Dad took time off work. There are times in life when people need structure and learning and hard work and then there are times when people need rest and love. You were held as we figured out the next steps of what life looked like for you. You needed the daily reminder that you were not an inconvenience, that you were not a trouble maker, or a difficult student. Day-by-day I saw your smile return. I saw the stress fall away from your face. I saw the destruction of a label given to you over and over again for a year change. It changed for inconvenience to loved. It changed from difficult to growing. It changed from too much to unique. It turned from angry to sweet. As each piece of your identity was shown, the way you interacted with the world and the world interacted with you changed.
I have never met a more polite, sweeter boy, Porter. I am proud of you at every turn because I know that the things that shine in you are not nurtured but rather just the nature of your sweet little heart. I remember taking you to babysit with me and you sitting right now with the kids and joining in the fun. The Dad observed that you are secure because of the deep love you know exists in your world. It made me proud to know you can walk into a crowded room and always be comfortable because you know no matter what your Mom or Dad is there to catch you and love you when need be. We will always be here.
Life this year will again change for you as I prepare to move across the country. I know you won’t understand as a five-year-old why this is important for me, for us. The truth is that my job is to create the best life possible for you and right now I don’t have that ability from where I’m standing. I want to build a better life for you. That means for the next few years while I go to school, there will be a sacrifice of time for both of us. My heart doesn’t know how to feel about it in this moment but I know in the future this will build the life we need. This decision has already come at a loss for me. The attacking of my position as your Mom. I’ve said it often but I will say it again here—I am not perfect. I am human but try each day to be better for you, and for myself. Even in the moments I have failed you, it was never my intention. I came out on the other side of every accusation leveraged against me because I see the truth when you jump into my arms after school, hold my hand when your nervous, and insist on cuddling with me until the moment you fall asleep. I love you well and in return you love me so well. I am in this life with you, whether here or in New York.
I love you to the depths, Porter James ❤️ Happy Fifth Birthday, Pie.
Mommy
