Thursday, August 15, 2013

the safe space project: body image.

i'm an emotional. real. self-conscious. lady. and sometimes all those adjectives come into play at once and a blog like this one happens. i apologize in advance--but not really.

today there was a moment right around five o'clock where i lost it. maybe it's the exhaustion of getting up early to run or the extra long hours with new kids i've been putting in at work or maybe it is that i cut sugar out of my diet this week. but at five o'clock, at hour 9.5 of work, i had what can only be described as a nonsensical break down. it started with my hair which a mother had complimented a few hours before. "really?! this frizzy mess of curls." next it skipped to the fact that maybe i wasn't a girl i'd notice across a bar. "ugh, i bet i'm one of those girls who just fades into the background like a framed piece of stock photography." and from there, i can't even tell you the crazy thoughts about my face, my eyes, my man hands (thanks Seinfeld for giving me a descriptor everyone understands), and my less than rock hard abs.

doubt is a funny thing. when you start to doubt the little thing about yourself, you start to doubt the big things about yourself. i think this is similar to the concept that in order to love someone or be loved by someone you must first love yourself. you have to start at the beginning or everything else falls apart. it started with a compliment and ended up with me wanting to run away to some place no one knows my name. but the point is at the end of my pandemonium hour, doubt did a wonderful thing for me. it reminded me of exactly the reason that this doubt about my body and looks rarely inches into my head. it's because i know who i am. it's because i know that the outward is not a reflection of the inside.

if you would have hit me up a few years ago, i would've told you the reason i always needed to have my nails done or why i shopped 3 out of every 7 days and it's because i was searching for something that would make me fit it, make me look the part, make me more like someone else. and then i found someone who loved me (no, not Jim. myself.) and it was a fabulous thing. i now accept that i will never be a skinny mini, my hair will always be a frizzy mess and i will get breakouts over the littlest stresses. i will always be the person who says things out loud that were better left in my head, i will always take too many instagrams, and i will always send mushy texts to friends and family just to tell them they're important. i'm a woman who is a walking contradiction--i am patient but impatient. i am sweet and sincere but i am a harsh, honest bitch. i will never be a people pleaser and people will (i probably should say do) dislike me for that. i am intelligent but will read any gossip magazine i can lay my hands on. i am outgoing but get anxious as hell in public. that person. that person is who i am and it is made up of the things inside not some outward appearance that really tells nothing about me at all.

so you may wonder, if i don't find myself doubting my appearance often, why do i care about cooking healthy and training for a half marathon? and the answer is simple. i believe that the body is a temple and we've been given able, healthy bodies as a blessing so why wouldn't we take care of them? i also believe we get out of life what we put into it so sometimes that needs to mean hard work and discipline. yes, i know that i could stand to lose some weight. yes, i do call my arms flub and my stomach chub but that's MOSTLY in a joking way. as anyone who knows me reads this you understand that i am confident in spirit, in personality and with my body (and it's flaws) but today, on a day when i feel bad about everything down to my hair and freckles i am going to do the most freeing thing i can think of, and just toss a picture up of me. no make-up (who am i kidding 350 days a year i am make-upless), sweaty from running 2 miles, in a sports bra i wear for almost every workout, flabby and white as a polar bear. this picture is not stunning or sexy but it is me. i am ok with my soft bits and know that they aren't who make me who i am. that crazy woman above is who i am--and her, i wouldn't change her. so for me. for me to end what was a rough day on a freeing, positive, crazy leap of faith note, here is that photo.

2 comments:

  1. Beth Bishop...you are beautiful! <3

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  2. You are one of the most beautiful woman I have ever met. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. <3

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