why i run.

one of the major things that keeps me motivated while i am training is reading books by or about successful people. over the last year or so, i have read dozens of books about successful runners, bikers, business owners, creative types and humanitarians. and in all of these books there seems to be a part where they tell you how they succeed and why they do what they do to begin with. specifically in running books, there is always the answer to the question of why we run. there are of course those arguments that it must be natural if children do it. there are the arguments that we were gorillas and really enjoyed playing tag with antelope; it came about as a survival skill; our bodies were designed for it to get from place to place. it's always some scientific, anthropological, ignorant, generalized-for-every-human-being-ever bullshit. but what's lacking in the dozens of books that i've read is the 'I'. i don't think that i have finished one of these books with the answer of why a single athlete does what they do besides that they can.

i have openly and honestly been having trouble getting back into running this summer even though my mind and motivation have lofty goals. so yesterday, after several tough runs in a row, i decided to give up on running and tossed my shoes in the recycling bin. but this morning, after a terrible night's sleep, my body woke up and wanted to run. that's why at 6:03 am, about ten seconds after i heard jim's engine start to leave for the gym, i leaped out of bed and dug up an old pair of running shoes and hit the pavement. (i didn't want him to know i was running in case it was another shitty run and then i'd just pretend i never went.) something in me wants to run. something in me can't just let it go. so, why do I run? i've struggled to answer this question and i think that's the start of why i have trouble with the actual action of running. if i'm not doing it to benefit myself and get something out of it, of course i am just going to get frustrated. so this morning on my run i really thought about why i run and here's what i came up with.

i run because i've never been a mentally strong person. most of my failures in life started in my mind and then manifested themselves in my life. i want to train my brain to overcome, to push beyond boundaries. running pushes me further emotionally and mentally than it does my body. this is a war zone for me but i rather work it out on the pavement than in an important area of my life.

i run because since college i haven't followed the career path that i assumed i would. this has led me to a feeling of stagnancy and feeling like i don't have goals in the sense that most 26-year-olds do. to be incredibly honest with you, i will avoid going to events or gatherings where i know that i do not have a career similar to the other attendees. i run to have goals and bench markers and prove that i can still accomplish something even if it's not in the expected ways or in the way that society tells me should be important to a 26-year-old.

i run because i hate sweat. hate is a major understatement. what i've learned is that moment that i feel moisture on my neck is the moment that i pick up my pace a little. one of my favorite quotes is by muhammad ali. he said 'i don’t count my sit-ups; i only start counting when it starts hurting because they’re the only ones that count'. i run because it's the one time i am motivated by something that usually makes me cringe. when i sweat, it means i've worked.

i run because i love to depend on myself. i like knowing that i can use my two feet to get to somewhere that seems so far away in my head. one of my favorite runs is from my house down to canalside and back up through downtown. there are gentle hills and straightaways where you feel like you're making no progress at all but i know at the end i've run about 7 miles of my city. as i start to move towards a lifestyle that is more about refinishing, growing my own vegetables, minimizing the tangible things i have, eating to fuel my body rather than my taste buds, owning one car instead of two, nothing makes more sense than to be able to use my two feet to get to where i want to go.

a lot of us say that we like running when we're playing sports because sports are distracting. i don't think that's it. i think that we like running when we play sports because there are no measures of the running we're doing. we're just listening to our body and running accordingly. so this morning for my run i decided to run like i would when playing sports. i stopped trying to speed train. i put on old sneakers. i put on worship music and slowed even under my normal pace for part of it and far above my normal pace for parts. the only thing on my mind was catching the sunrise near the water. it was refreshing to forget about training and checking my pace, my mileage and remember that running is not about why everyone else run, it's about why I run. running is the only time i feel appropriate being selfish and that's why i run. it's why my shoes will never land permanently in the garbage.