balance.

Balance. 

It seems like such a simple word and I don't think there is a single one of us that doesn't understand how to achieve balance. We know in theory that we should be spending equal amounts of energy on the things that mean the most to us--usually that means ourselves, those we love, work and adventure. What happens in reality? Despite the ease of the equation, we so easily concentrate unevenly on one area of our life and we get caught in a cycle of just merely surviving. 

I thought for the longest time that my running was the excuse. I couldn't find the right combination of balance in my life because I was training or working 90% of the time. But as that usual mask and excuse has faded away, I'm left realizing that I'm just not good at balancing or prioritizing. Most of the time when I could be doing something productive, I find myself giving it up to go to sleep hours early. I've now started using exhaustion as my excuse but that's just what it is, an excuse. The lack of balance that I create is what makes me so exhausted. There are a lot of instances in life that I would never dream of making an excuse. I'm the girl, when pulled over, who says to the cop "I know, I know, I was speeding. I think it was 10 over" and gladly accepts responsiblity. But in this area, all I find is excuses.

This single area though may be my greatest struggle. I find it difficult to prioritize within the things that are important to me because I find myself with so little time to try to create a life outside of work that I end up flustered and frustrated. Is there some sort of key to this work/life balance that I am missing? I can't remember the last time I cooked a meal or didn't rely on one of the men I live with to switch over my laundry because I can never find enough time to be at home through a whole wash/dry cycle. Or maybe I have been but my day faded into some kind of Scandal watching marathon. 

I have always been the girl who flakes on plans. It's never out of malice or not thinking that someone or something is important. It's always been rooted in being overbooked, overstressed and if I admit it, a little lazy. There are people out there with much more important and hectic lives than me so please don't register this as a complaint. It's just the opposite. It's the tale of someone who has been overly blessed with a hectic but rewarding job, beautiful friends and family, healthy habits that keep me at the gym and a church that I look forward to attending. It's me saying, I've been blessed beyond what I deserve and can sometimes seem to handle. 

For the last few weeks, the healthy habits have seemed to have gone by the waist-side. I knew without the goal of a marathon it would be difficult to keep my ambition up. I have now gone two days in a row without going to the gym, which is unheard of for me. I ate a handful of Hersey kisses yesterday at a wedding shower. All this could lead me to be angry and feel like a failure, as only someone who has worked for over a year to just look normal, not even fi,t could understand but the one thing I know for sure about my experience with cultivating healthy practices in my life, is that no amount of shame would have brought me here. In fact; shame, guilt, feeling bullied by myself, hating my body, comparing myself to others... all of those were things I had to work through to even begin thinking about my health. The best way to be a health advocate is to live it. A positive example does more good than a judgmental voice.

Part of my positive example is always being honest. And honestly, I don't think that my equation will ever be balanced. I think I will always find it difficult to not be overwhelmed by the process of prioritizing. What I do know is that I need to find a healthy way to juggle it all because the relationships and obligations in my life can only be as healthy as my mind and body. Identifying any problem in your life is always the first step to solve it, so for now, starting this dialogue with myself puts me on the right track.