In the last few months people have been using the word "inspiring" to describe me. I don't feel very inspiring. I don't point this out because of a non-belief that I have made worthy strides that are noticeable to people. I can't accept the word inspiring because it is based on people's perceptions of me based on what they see on social media or in short conversations that we have while catching up. I think there is a big part of me that people are missing and it is not something that I am ashamed of but a big part of my genetic make-up. I battle depression. I have since I was 13-years-old. Some days, some years, are better than others.
If you've never dealt with depression yourself than you might not understand how life altering it is. I can say that the last year has been one of the happiest seasons of my life but it is also the year that I have most heavily felt the effects of depression. If you don't deal with depression, I think some of the misunderstandings about it are that people with depression are lost and without directions, that it's an inability to let go of sadness, or that it's just one more excuse to complain and ask people to take care of you. I am not sad. I am not lost. I am planted in life, faith, health and happiness and still I have never escaped my mental health issues.
Have you ever found yourself thrown overboard and trapped under a canoe, struggling to come up for air and not knowing if this breath might be your very last? Literally, I have. Figuratively, this is sometimes how I feel for weeks on end. Some days I would love to get out of bed but I feel like I dropped the weight on myself while bench pressing. There is nothing glamorous or beneficial about having such a constant ailment that can come out of nowhere. Some moments I find myself out of breath and slurring my words because even the simple task of speaking and saying good morning feels like it's too much.
I don't think that depression and happiness are mutually exclusive. There are whole days, like the day I got engaged, where the world is absolutely perfect but some glitch in my mental make-up tells me that the world is falling down around me. I can find myself breaking up with my fiance (or trying to), throwing things across the room or on the floor crying hysterically with absolutely no excuse or explanation why. I find myself overwhelmed often and in an entirely different universe. I shut down in order to not hurt anyone else in the fall from high to low.
I am so glad that over the last few years celebrities and magazines have made it okay to admit that we are less than perfect humans. That people have mental health issues and that talking about it is one of the best things we can do. I found myself several months ago in a meeting with a friend and as we discussed my mental health issues, she suggested that if I was working with a child who suffered with these types of issues that I step up and help them channel those funks and emotions to something else. I know she meant it as advice to help others but really it helped me. Since that meeting I have been channeling any negative energy that I can in another direction. I'll say that running saved me but the truth is lots of things save me. Cooking, running, blogging, drawing, writing, pilates... Anything that I can channel the negative in my life out into changes my whole mental landscape. By planning my workouts by the week and doing them in the morning, I never get the chance to wallow in whatever negative emotion I might wake up to.
Not a lot of great stuff came out of my first marriage but one of the things that did was that my ex-husband did not think it was appropriate for me to go on medication for my depression. There were times that I hated him for that. As I have become more blessed and overwhelmed with happiness on a daily basis, I couldn't imagine being on anti-depressants (and this is just for me. I'm not speaking to anyone else here). I get to have these amazing highs in life and it's true, they are spiked with extreme lows. I want to experience all of who I am and my range of emotions. I wouldn't have the strength that I do if I did not have to find a way to make it through the most difficult numbness and pain several times a month. I probably wouldn't have the strength to pour out real emotions on this blog as often as I do.
I think that calling someone inspiring is one of the biggest compliments that you can pay someone. I know if people are going to use the word inspiring to describe me, I don't want them to have the romantic, goal setting, running maniac version of me in their head but the whole me. And if in the process of introducing the full me, I make someone feel like they're not alone in their struggle, it's worth completely worth opening up.
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