Our worst enemies don't talk about us the way we talk to ourselves. You know, that inner dialogue which constantly seems to be going on in our head. It feeds on putting us down and strengthening our insecurities and doubts. They say that when you're in a toxic relationship it is a helpful exercise to write down the mean things you say to each other. Until you really see it on paper you don't realize just how mean-spirited some of the things you say to one another are. But what about doing this for the things that we say to ourselves?
I think we would find that the thing we would never say to our best friend if she asked us how she looked in this dress, or if she asked about a situation at work, is exactly the thing that we are saying to ourselves. I had a friend recently who was seeing a boy for several months and when he decided to cut it off he said simply that the reason was because "he didn't like her". This sounded so awful to me. Where was the sugar-coating that we put on these types of emotional situations. Who was he to not even take her feelings and self-esteem into account? Yet, how many times have you found yourself in the midst of a crowd, looking and comparing yourself to someone else and said the exact same harsh thing about "not liking" something about yourself? If we realized the power that this little voice in our heads had over us, we would realize how important it is to stop negative self-talk. Our brains are wired to see and think about negatives before positives (come on, people, you've seen your Facebook feeds). Our job is to rewire our brain to talk to and think about ourselves in a more positive way.
What makes it even more difficult to leave these voices behind is the information that is directed at women these days seems determined to make us feel that our lives are somehow lacking. We are constantly made to feel that we should be prettier, thinner, sexier, more successful, make more money, be better moms, better wives, better lovers... Though often wrapped in a "You go, girl!" message, the subtext is clear: We should feel bad because we have fallen short in so many ways from some imagined ideal - we have tummies, not abs; we are not trying hard enough because we are not occupying a corner office. I read a stack of women's health magazines each month and what I've found is there is a fine line between stories having an inspiring tone and having a judgmental tone. Sometimes I walk away thinking that I learned some new tips and other times I feel like I'm a bad person if I don't follow those tips because they are so simple. The phrase that gets me in any article, usually about a celebrity, is "having it all". Are you lacking because you don't have the exact same 4-unit family, fanatical stability, rock hard abs, and Gucci-filled closet as the person next door? Have we not passed by the age of keeping up with the Joneses?
It took me twenty-five years to learn to redirect my negative self-talk. It was not a magical transformation and I am certainly nowhere near perfect with it. I don't think it had anything to do with maturity or reading posts like this that made me more aware of the issue at hand. It was a process of forgetting about people's expectations of what I should do and start doing things that I truly loved and boasted my self-confidence. I direct a lot of my positive self-talk from my head to social media and that isn't to boost my ego but because I truly am proud of myself and my accomplishments. I spew them out in hope that someone else will realize that they can feel confident if they are doing something they love, not just fitness wise, but in their careers, their spare time, and with their families. When you find a passion that day in and day out satisfies you, that is when the switch in your head will be flipped from the negative to positive.
The most important thing we can do is decide how we define success. It will be different for each of us, according to our own values and goals (and not those imposed upon us by society). My two "big" goals that I have before I turn 30 are to start a modest vegetable farm with a little roadside stand and to run my first ultramarathon. I'm sure to most people those are beautiful ambitions but will never get me wealth, fortunes or fame. I decided long ago that those three things don't interest me and neither does the fleeting idea of happiness, but rather, I'm looking for fulfillment so that I can be the best version of me and by extension be in a position to help others. When you can identify your main values and motives, you can start to teach your inner voice to talk positively about where you are on your own ladder of success.
So I suggest, you start today by sending yourself a positive inner massage, or mantra. It is the truest sentence you will tell yourself and one that you can tell yourself every day when a negative thought pops into your head. I have several but a big one has always been, "I don't want to live a life, I want to live an adventure." As I watch friends go to school to be doctors and lawyers or others excel in their positions at work, it's my reminder that I'm a nanny because I want to go home and not think about work or constantly be checking my phone for work e-mails. It's my reminder as friends invest in homes, that I am not in that boat because I don't want to be tied down to one place right now. So for whatever situation it is that you hear that little voice filling your head with negativity, find your own message to slowly change that voice. And whatever you do don't let your constant critic get in the way of pursuing your version of success.
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